Loss of Innocence~
I just returned from a weekend long meditation retreat. It was intense as one would imagine. And, there was plenty of time to go in deep and connect with my 'self' and to experience the energy within me and the collective energies of the group. In answer to a question about Zoe, the teacher recalled an incident that happened to me when I was sixteen -- "when my life was threatened." She went on to say that my fear for Zoe stemmed from that event and the fact that this remained unhealed.
I had very purposefully, conveniently, and quite efficiently tucked away that incident -- and here it was being dredged up in front of 18 people. Thankfully, she did not go into details. But, I will. I've decided that it is important for my healing, for letting go of my fear for Zoe, and for being completely honest and naked.
I was 15 and had a mad crush on a Senior who was completely out of my league. Didn't stop my feelings, and I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to hang out with some friends in his crowd. They called themselves the "West Hill Gang." Bob was the most popular boy in school - handsome, A soccer player, good student, and nice guy. I had barely turned 16 when I had a dream of Bob's ghost walking down the high school corridor with a shot gun over his shoulder. It wasn't a week later that Bob shot himself in the head over the loss of his girlfriend. Needless to say, the horror of this event impacted many. Over 800 people attended his funeral.
That night we were all up at one of the West Hill gang's homes; drinking, crying, commiserating, trying to make sense of his senseless death. There was a man there that I had never met. Quite a bit older, and friends with some of the other guys in Bob's circle. We talked some that night and he offered to bring me home. I forget all of the details, but I needed to be home at a certain hour, and no one else was leaving anytime soon. So I left with this stranger.
And, yes, he tried to rape me on the way home. I do not consider that "my life was threatened", more that my soul was threatened, and at the most vulnerable time imaginable. I somehow managed to talk him out of this act, but it cost me a very high price. Not understanding what was happening, or how to handle the situation, and afraid to say anything to anyone, I accepted his invitation to date. It was the only way out I could think of at that moment to save my virginity, not piss him off, and get home safely.
To say the next three months or so was disgusting is an understatement. I sold my 'soul' to protect myself. He eventually tired of me as I was not "putting out" and left. What I did not understand or feel until last night, when I re-lived and 'processed' this event, was how terribly wounding this had been and how trapped I felt. I had compromised myself on such a fundamental level. I also realized that this compromise tainted many of my relationships with men.
So, there it is. A memory pulled out of the mire and muck to be cleaned off, re-lived, and healed. It will take me awhile to lay everything to rest. But, I am hoping that I can now let go of my 'fear' that something is going to happen to Zoe.
And let that beautiful girl live and shine in all her glory!