In this moment~
Writing about oneself is an act of sheer vulnerability for some. It's difficult to reach in, find the perfect words, and nestle into a flow and rhythm that will convey exactly what we are feeling or experiencing. I know it is for me. Some days, the words just flow and other days, it is a more tedious process.
In this moment, I find myself conflicted internally and it is hard to express exactly what I am experiencing. I am acutely aware of the pain, chaos, confusion, anxiety, volatility, and sadness that surrounds me -- close to home and globally. In the past, I have been able to detach and with compassion hold space for others. In other words, I was not strongly impacted by other's emotions or the more global anxiety that feels so pervasive lately. And, perhaps, this is exactly what is happening -- I am past the tipping point and have lost my balance.
I am confused by the riots; starting in London and then transmuting (like the Hundredth Monkey principle) to Philadelphia and other US cities into "rob flashes". The uncertainty in the financial markets, coupled with the political games that seem more important than the welfare of our own people, weigh heavily as I wonder if we will ever remember what is truly important. And, closest to home -- friends and family who are sick, in pain, struggling, and confused.
During these times, I usually can create and hold sacred space for myself and others. But, when you add a dash of hormonal imbalance, all is lost. I do not like myself when I am irritable. It happens so rarely, but now it seems like every two weeks. God, help me. "Show compassion? Are you kidding me? After I rip your head off, I'll show some compassion." It passes quickly, but the moment is excruciating. I'm declaring right now, before all, that I am not going to like this one little bit.
I can feel a new alter-ego emerging whom I will name...Godzilla.