Angst, Mama, and Love~
It's been a long day and my sister and I are just getting back to my father's house. It's 10pm. The rollercoaster ride was not kind this morning. Mid-day I felt like puking. By evening, my sisters and I were witnessing and absorbing yet another miracle on this curious and unpredictable journey.
On the 24th of February, Medicare determined that my mother had not shown suffient progress in her PT and denied payments. She had had only three weeks of PT! Anyone who has been through this knows what this means...mom will never walk again. That fact did not sink into my head until we were finished what they call "restorative therapy" which is apparently something sub-standard to PT, offered only 3 times a week rather than 5.
Mom doesn't stand a chance. For anyone who has not read previous blogs, mom has Alzheimer's disease and is in late stage.
Her previous residence does not offer skilled nursing, her current place of rehab is a skilled nursing facility but, politely I might add, reeks and isn't fit for any loved one. My sister and I were, in fact, secretly high fiving each other and whispering "Seconal" which is code for how we will take each other out with pills before abandoning each other in one of these God forsaken facilities. This is the about the time I felt like puking!
Oh, and one other small detail....it will cost 12K per month out of pocket to place mom in this facility.
There was only one thing to do. My sister and I picked up our youngest sister, and we went on a road trip. Driving down to Bloomfield, CT we called Seabury and announced our impending arrival in 40 very short minutes. This was the only other place we knew of that would, after mom spent down her money, take Medicaid...and had received 5 stars from our prior research.
A breath of fresh air awaited us. Not only is the place beautiful, but there are no smells, the staff retention is 96%, and we observed first hand how the CNA's interacted with the residents. It was a night and day difference between the two facilities and the cost is exactly the same!
We drove away smiling knowing that we had found the perfect place for mom.
We had no idea the miracle that awaited us. We were rushing as it was past five o'clock and we knew we were going to miss mom's dinner. We arrived around 6pm and mom was still seated, but not eating. Surrounding her, she ate heartedly. We took mom back to her room and fixed the fresh flowers we had brought, dug out the crud in her nails (thank you Johanna), painted them, rubbed lotion into her hands, and massaged her legs and arms.
During this, Mom had settled into a place of peace, and deep awareness that she had her three girls before her. She then spoke about her "kids", her love for us, and with mished- mashed words, conveyed as best as she could her love, her hopes and we believe her understanding of where she was going next.
I will never be able to articulate how poignant this time was for us, or how healing it was to see my sister Becky's tears traveling down her face knowing deeply how important my mother's words were to her.
We were blessed today admist the angst, disappointent and sorrow of how our parents spend the last days, months, and years of their lives.
Mind, Body, Spirit Connections
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
February 27, 2011
Sunday thoughts for reflection~
As I will be going straight from the seminar to the airport, I thought I would select some quotes for us to reflect upon.
And we are put on earth a little space
that we might learn to bear the beams of love.
William Blake
O seekers, remember, all distances are traversed
by those who yearn to be near the source of their being.
Kabir
When the heart weeps for what it has lost,
the soul rejoices for what it has found.
Sufi Proverb
As I will be going straight from the seminar to the airport, I thought I would select some quotes for us to reflect upon.
And we are put on earth a little space
that we might learn to bear the beams of love.
William Blake
O seekers, remember, all distances are traversed
by those who yearn to be near the source of their being.
Kabir
When the heart weeps for what it has lost,
the soul rejoices for what it has found.
Sufi Proverb
Saturday, February 26, 2011
February 26, 2011
Medical Qi-Gong~
Wow!
I just returned from the first day of a two-day workshop on Medical Qi-Gong. I have had no time to process what I witnessed, experienced and learned. Therefore, I will not go into any great detail at this time, but rest assured I will revisit this topic and healing modality.
I'm exhausted.
I was a fully present student... absorbing, experiencing, sensing, and practicing. And the amount of energy expended has drained me. It feels good to sink into this exhaustion knowing the gifts that have been received.
I can hardly wait for tomorrow!
Wow!
I just returned from the first day of a two-day workshop on Medical Qi-Gong. I have had no time to process what I witnessed, experienced and learned. Therefore, I will not go into any great detail at this time, but rest assured I will revisit this topic and healing modality.
I'm exhausted.
I was a fully present student... absorbing, experiencing, sensing, and practicing. And the amount of energy expended has drained me. It feels good to sink into this exhaustion knowing the gifts that have been received.
I can hardly wait for tomorrow!
Friday, February 25, 2011
February 25, 2011
Day of rest~
I am declaring Friday, February 25th, a day of rest! After weeks of preparing for the Intent Heals Workshop, a Medical Qi-Gong seminar this weekend, and then a flight to Connecticut to care for my mom, I've decided that a day at the beach reading and reflecting is a grand idea.
The dog threw up on the rug, dirty dishes are in the sink, my desk looks like a cyclone hit it...emails should be returned, the weeds that now look like little mini lawns in my gardens should be pulled, and the bed should be made.
....shoulds be damned!
I am jumping in the shower, getting my suit on, stuffing a beach towel and two good books into my bag, and heading for the beach.
I know it has not been declared a National Holdiay (yet) but come on everyone, let the shoulds go today and rest!
I am declaring Friday, February 25th, a day of rest! After weeks of preparing for the Intent Heals Workshop, a Medical Qi-Gong seminar this weekend, and then a flight to Connecticut to care for my mom, I've decided that a day at the beach reading and reflecting is a grand idea.
The dog threw up on the rug, dirty dishes are in the sink, my desk looks like a cyclone hit it...emails should be returned, the weeds that now look like little mini lawns in my gardens should be pulled, and the bed should be made.
....shoulds be damned!
I am jumping in the shower, getting my suit on, stuffing a beach towel and two good books into my bag, and heading for the beach.
I know it has not been declared a National Holdiay (yet) but come on everyone, let the shoulds go today and rest!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
February 24, 2011
Lift Off!~
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – "In a spectacular and at times nail-biting afternoon launch, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off on one final mission today (Feb. 24) to cap off its prolific 27 years of spaceflight.
Amid clear skies and warm temperatures, Discovery lifted off at 4:53 p.m. EST (2153 GMT) today from Launch Pad 39A here at NASA's Kennedy Space Center.
For those watching, get ready to witness the majesty and power of Discovery as she lifts off one last time," Lindsey replied.
We watched from Daytona Beach Shores; surrounded by hundreds of people wanting to experience the last launch. It was a spectacular sight. And the perfect end to our own launch of Intent Heals.
Today, eight incredibly special women joined me in an Intent Heals workshop designed to teach each of them how to take the Intent Heals Journal out into the world. We came together as a collective, committed to a united vision, and brainstormed on how to share the "power of intention and transformation" with others.
It was a magical day with an unimagined ending: the final lift off of Discovery! The synchronicity of events did not go unnoticed; each of us were launching in our own unique ways celebrating the 'community' we had found in each other.
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. – "In a spectacular and at times nail-biting afternoon launch, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off on one final mission today (Feb. 24) to cap off its prolific 27 years of spaceflight.
Amid clear skies and warm temperatures, Discovery lifted off at 4:53 p.m. EST (2153 GMT) today from Launch Pad 39A here at NASA's Kennedy Space Center.
For those watching, get ready to witness the majesty and power of Discovery as she lifts off one last time," Lindsey replied.
We watched from Daytona Beach Shores; surrounded by hundreds of people wanting to experience the last launch. It was a spectacular sight. And the perfect end to our own launch of Intent Heals.
Today, eight incredibly special women joined me in an Intent Heals workshop designed to teach each of them how to take the Intent Heals Journal out into the world. We came together as a collective, committed to a united vision, and brainstormed on how to share the "power of intention and transformation" with others.
It was a magical day with an unimagined ending: the final lift off of Discovery! The synchronicity of events did not go unnoticed; each of us were launching in our own unique ways celebrating the 'community' we had found in each other.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
February 23, 2011
Wisdom~
WISDOM: "I gaze at her unguarded for a long while, aware mostly of how fearless she looks. Her boldness and strength break through as does her aged wisdom. She is without any need to please, any need to act, or look, or be a certain way. It's as if she's done with that and rests now in the solid center of herself having arrived at her own condensed truth. She is herself. And that is all."
From "Traveling with Pomegranates" by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor
To all of my sisters ~ May we arrive at our own truth!
WISDOM: "I gaze at her unguarded for a long while, aware mostly of how fearless she looks. Her boldness and strength break through as does her aged wisdom. She is without any need to please, any need to act, or look, or be a certain way. It's as if she's done with that and rests now in the solid center of herself having arrived at her own condensed truth. She is herself. And that is all."
From "Traveling with Pomegranates" by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor
To all of my sisters ~ May we arrive at our own truth!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
February 22, 2011
Holding space~
Being a reformed "fix-it" girl, and still working on the "yes" addiction, I find "holding space" for the amazing women in my life to be the best course of action. Many of my women friends are experiencing some aspect of a 'winter' right now -- a metaphor for a dark, scary, uncertain, gloomy time. During these times of crisis, whether it is health, in relationship, or spiritual, those looking in can feel helpless.
How do we help those that we love?
By being present and holding space; going within and allowing your 'self' to tap into the infinite wisdom and love of God Consciousness. When we experience no-separation, and learn to be in a state of receptivity, we will be filled with divine wisdom and soul consciousness alleviating any sense of disharmony. In this state, we can "hold space" for those we love and emanate peace.
These 'winters' are not fixed, or solved, or to be denied. They are the very rich, real, bittersweet stuff of living, that either breaks us or makes us stronger. Our "holding space" offers the glow of infinite love for those we care for, without expectation of outcomes.
Being a reformed "fix-it" girl, and still working on the "yes" addiction, I find "holding space" for the amazing women in my life to be the best course of action. Many of my women friends are experiencing some aspect of a 'winter' right now -- a metaphor for a dark, scary, uncertain, gloomy time. During these times of crisis, whether it is health, in relationship, or spiritual, those looking in can feel helpless.
How do we help those that we love?
By being present and holding space; going within and allowing your 'self' to tap into the infinite wisdom and love of God Consciousness. When we experience no-separation, and learn to be in a state of receptivity, we will be filled with divine wisdom and soul consciousness alleviating any sense of disharmony. In this state, we can "hold space" for those we love and emanate peace.
These 'winters' are not fixed, or solved, or to be denied. They are the very rich, real, bittersweet stuff of living, that either breaks us or makes us stronger. Our "holding space" offers the glow of infinite love for those we care for, without expectation of outcomes.
Monday, February 21, 2011
February 21, 2011
Lessons from the garden~
I am not much of a gardner. Ask my family. I don't much like the weeding, pruning, and feeding of nutrients that is inherent in gardening. I don't like dirt under my nails, my aching back after I pull weeds, or the bug bites, nettle stings, and odd assortment of scratches that I seem to acquire gardening.
Oh, but how I love the plants, flowers, and the colors and smells of a well planted garden. It's like looking at a Monet, and when a faint fragrance of Jasmine fills my nostrils I smile in delight.
I love gardens!
Today, I went out and clipped down all the dead stalks of some plants that I did not think survived our brutal two weeks of below freezing temperatures here in Florida. As far as I was concerned, these plants were dead as dead could be. But, to my surprise, I saw tiny green leaves coming out of the soil. Those of you who garden are probably chucking right now (I know my sisters are) "Duh...that's what happens Jen". But, it always catches me by surprise. Never fails.
Those tiny green shoots led me to reflect on ourselves and our own winters. Sometimes, we enter into winters of the spirit where it feels like death; no energy, and fear has the upper hand. It's gloomy, gray, and we feel dried out and broken.
If anyone is experiencing a winter at this time, know that those little green shoots and leaves are sprouting within and it won't be too long before they begin growing like rapid fire. Winter will melt into spring bringing new growth, beginnings and insights.
And if someone you know has forgotten about those tiny green leaves, gently remind them.
I am not much of a gardner. Ask my family. I don't much like the weeding, pruning, and feeding of nutrients that is inherent in gardening. I don't like dirt under my nails, my aching back after I pull weeds, or the bug bites, nettle stings, and odd assortment of scratches that I seem to acquire gardening.
Oh, but how I love the plants, flowers, and the colors and smells of a well planted garden. It's like looking at a Monet, and when a faint fragrance of Jasmine fills my nostrils I smile in delight.
I love gardens!
Today, I went out and clipped down all the dead stalks of some plants that I did not think survived our brutal two weeks of below freezing temperatures here in Florida. As far as I was concerned, these plants were dead as dead could be. But, to my surprise, I saw tiny green leaves coming out of the soil. Those of you who garden are probably chucking right now (I know my sisters are) "Duh...that's what happens Jen". But, it always catches me by surprise. Never fails.
Those tiny green shoots led me to reflect on ourselves and our own winters. Sometimes, we enter into winters of the spirit where it feels like death; no energy, and fear has the upper hand. It's gloomy, gray, and we feel dried out and broken.
If anyone is experiencing a winter at this time, know that those little green shoots and leaves are sprouting within and it won't be too long before they begin growing like rapid fire. Winter will melt into spring bringing new growth, beginnings and insights.
And if someone you know has forgotten about those tiny green leaves, gently remind them.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
February 20, 2011
Just change the channel~
When my kids were young, around 9 and 10, they used to bicker back and forth in the car. Not unusual by any means. But Zoe would really get wound up sometimes, and it was like watching and listening to a hysterical hyena!
Annoying would be putting it mildly!
One particularly aggravating car ride, Max looked over at me and said "Mom, let's just change the channel"!
We held invisible clickers in the air and went "click, click." Well, if that didn't work like magic. Max and I shifted to another channel. Zoe no longer had an audience. She actually started to laugh when she realized the significance of our action. Changing the channel became quite an effective way in our family to keep our cool, and the peace.
How simple when you think about it. When we find ourselves in a foul mood, or being pulled into someone else's foul mood, we can just change the channel. When you are starting to fall into one of your "fur lined ruts" (a behavior or pattern of thinking that is familiar but not helpful), change the channel!
Click!
It takes some practice, but it really works.
When my kids were young, around 9 and 10, they used to bicker back and forth in the car. Not unusual by any means. But Zoe would really get wound up sometimes, and it was like watching and listening to a hysterical hyena!
Annoying would be putting it mildly!
One particularly aggravating car ride, Max looked over at me and said "Mom, let's just change the channel"!
We held invisible clickers in the air and went "click, click." Well, if that didn't work like magic. Max and I shifted to another channel. Zoe no longer had an audience. She actually started to laugh when she realized the significance of our action. Changing the channel became quite an effective way in our family to keep our cool, and the peace.
How simple when you think about it. When we find ourselves in a foul mood, or being pulled into someone else's foul mood, we can just change the channel. When you are starting to fall into one of your "fur lined ruts" (a behavior or pattern of thinking that is familiar but not helpful), change the channel!
Click!
It takes some practice, but it really works.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
February 19, 2011
Just say NO~
I am a recovering "yes" addict. I use the '-ing' rather than the '-ed' to be sure everyone understands that I have not mastered this addiction. It's a tricky course to navigate and can become harrowing when I least expect. One minute I am just fine, plenty of space to manuveur through the day, tend to my responsibilities, a balance between work, play and self-care, and then "bam" I've said one too many "yes-es"!
You know when this happens; it's identical to one too many drinks! Uh-oh...you're stuck now too...can't easily go back and say "no" because usually that "yes" involves others who are counting on you, and going forward with the "yes" means compromising on other "yes-es" and your 'self' which is now beginning to physically register the well-known symptoms of stress. Mine usually starts with a little stirring in the belly, immediately effecting my tone of voice, then triggering the rather foul perfume of agitation which probably smells similar to the scent of a skunk.
My poor loved ones~
The fact that I am fully aware of this addiction and have some measure of control is a positive; if not a sobering fact when you consider the hours of therapy, self-help books, and vigilence on my part to spot my "co-dependent behavior". Co-dependency can be very tricky, similar to a chameleon changing it's colors to blend and lay low. You're a goner before you even know what has hit you...like that extra drink!
When I was in the thick of it, a friend once gave me a terrific piece of advice:
If it's not a 100% YES - it is a NO!
That worked miracles for me. I took a deep breath, asked myself "Do I really want to do this? Or, do what is being asked of me?" If there was any hesitation, rationalizing, any hint of a 'should'...I said NO!
I'm writing this as a reminder to myself, but I am pretty sure there are many of you out there suffering from the "yes" addiction. Try it.
Just say No~
PS. You can smile while you are saying no!
I am a recovering "yes" addict. I use the '-ing' rather than the '-ed' to be sure everyone understands that I have not mastered this addiction. It's a tricky course to navigate and can become harrowing when I least expect. One minute I am just fine, plenty of space to manuveur through the day, tend to my responsibilities, a balance between work, play and self-care, and then "bam" I've said one too many "yes-es"!
You know when this happens; it's identical to one too many drinks! Uh-oh...you're stuck now too...can't easily go back and say "no" because usually that "yes" involves others who are counting on you, and going forward with the "yes" means compromising on other "yes-es" and your 'self' which is now beginning to physically register the well-known symptoms of stress. Mine usually starts with a little stirring in the belly, immediately effecting my tone of voice, then triggering the rather foul perfume of agitation which probably smells similar to the scent of a skunk.
My poor loved ones~
The fact that I am fully aware of this addiction and have some measure of control is a positive; if not a sobering fact when you consider the hours of therapy, self-help books, and vigilence on my part to spot my "co-dependent behavior". Co-dependency can be very tricky, similar to a chameleon changing it's colors to blend and lay low. You're a goner before you even know what has hit you...like that extra drink!
When I was in the thick of it, a friend once gave me a terrific piece of advice:
If it's not a 100% YES - it is a NO!
That worked miracles for me. I took a deep breath, asked myself "Do I really want to do this? Or, do what is being asked of me?" If there was any hesitation, rationalizing, any hint of a 'should'...I said NO!
I'm writing this as a reminder to myself, but I am pretty sure there are many of you out there suffering from the "yes" addiction. Try it.
Just say No~
PS. You can smile while you are saying no!
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